I got a lot of positive feedback on my last DnD style post, so I am giving you another one. But this time, since what is portrayed in the movies and what it comes down to with die rolls is so different, I decided to play it a little differently. You read, then you tell me the movie.
DM: Ok, setting: rocky terrain with a couple of paths around it. There is a huge cliff over here, and if you travel a short distance in the opposite direction you will come to a gental grassland that stretches for awhile. Any question? No, good. So, you guys took her on the plains towards the frontier, and, since we are all friends, we are going to assume that you two had a breather after climbing the cliff. Now, make this quick, and sexy.
Vizzini: You screwed us on the cliff part.
DM: I gave him an easy climb DC because I thought his character was too cool to die this soon. Now shut up, you are not here anymore. Oh, and to save a lot of time, we will just assume, Inigo, that you tell your whole big sob story to the new guy.
Inigo: Fine, take away all semblance of story away from my character and just make him look like a drunk Spainard with a sword. Thanks.
DM: No problem at all. Roll init!
Inigo: 23, I love a high dexterity modifier. Beat that!
Westly: 22, you got me
Inigo: Alright, expertising and power attacking for 5, 16 hit?
DM: Um, Inigo, have you forgotten how to do math? You rolled an 18, you are tenth level fighter-type, and I know you have a magic weapon. Even just taking your roll you should have gotten an 18, not a 16.
Inigo: My level bonuses are used for the expertise and power attack, and well, all the other bonuses go away because I am fighting left handed. Fighting in the off had takes penalties... you have read the Players Handbook, right?
DM: Fuck you, I know all the rules, that is why I am DMing. Why are you fighting left handed?
Inigo: I am a the greatest swordsman alive. I can...
DM: Oh shut up you arrogant bastard. Westly, your go.
Westly: Ok, likewise, expertising for 5, 17 hit the drunk Spainard?
Inigo: Haha, no! I have an AC of 26 right now, bitch...and I am not drunk. Man, my back story is like 10 pages long. My father, a notable swordsmith was commisioned by...
Westly: Oh fuck me, by a mas with six fingers, yada yada yada. You know what, I have a finger for you right here. You see that? Yeah, I hope so, because I am doing it as hard as I can. And right now, my AC is 28, so suck it.
Inigo: 28!!! How the hell is it that high? There is no way you could have afforded that on level 10 gold.
DM: Well, that is where I came in. See, with his back story, it makes far more sense to have access to a lot of money and to use a significant amount of the money to better himself as a fighter. Also, I made him take 5 levels of commoner to fit his back story while I let you jump right into your class.
Inigo: Ok, fine, whatever. Just expetrising for 5 then...oh look, I miss
Westly: Miss.
Inigo: Miss.
Westly: Fuck, miss.
Inigo: Miss.
Westly: Miss.
Inigo: Miss. This is getting dull.
Westly: Miss.
Inigo: Miss.
Vizzini: I fucking told you. You should have let us stay at the cliff. I would have had the big guy, I don't know, toss rocks at him or something until he fell and died.
DM: Yeah, I am starting to think you are right. I did not realize that these two "great swordsman" could not hit shit. Inigo, start using your right hand, I want to see some blood.
Inigo: Yeah, I think I am going to need to. Damn, 27, so close.
DM: Westly, you are moving back defending, and are starting to go up what looks like stone staircase that leads to a broken down guard tower.
Westly: Um, why am I going somewhere that will trap me in? I don't remember my character being dumb. Nope, look here, 18 Int. I am not going up there...but I miss on my roll.
DM: You will go up there. Besides, when you are above ground you get a +2 to your attacks. Which given that shitty roll would not have mattered, but it might in the next couple of attacks.
Inigo: So, you are giving him even more bonuses now, ass. Oh look, I miss again.
Westly: Miss here as well.
Inigo: You know what, fuck this, I am going to push him off the damn cliff. Swordsman or not, this is getting boring.
DM: Oh, variety. Opposed strength rolls gentlemen...Looks like Inigo wins. Westly, you are grappled. Inigo, if you still have him next round, you can push him off.
Westly: Oh wow, uh, can I break the grapple this round?
DM: Yeah, this is your only chance though, roll another opposed stregth. Damn, you broke it, Westly. Sorry, Inigo, that would have been funny.
Westly: Well, I still have an ace up my sleeve: I have bene fighting left handed as well!
Fezzik: Fuck you. Fuck both of you. This has gone on how long? I am fighting left handed. I am expertising for 5. I am not actually swining at him but the bugs flying around and I have a -4 to my attack roll because of severe discomfort because I just received anal sex from a football team!! I am going for a smoke. I would, however, like to play SOMETIME TONIGHT!
DM: Yeah, guys, this is getting dull, just fight. No more expertising, no more left handed, no more defensive stuff. Be American, aim to hurt each other.
Inigo: Well, I still miss, guess I am not American.
Westly: Of course, you are not American, you are a Spainard. You have only been telling us for the last two hours. And since I am from Florrence, where ever the hell that is, I don't want to hurt him either. DISARM! Beat that roll.
Inigo: Fuck, I can't beat that roll. Yeah, I am disarmed. Um, I am going to run to my sword. Oh wait, is it off the cliff? Please say it isn't off the cliff.
DM: Hehe, I ought to, but no. Since Westly is between you and the cliff there is really no way he could have disarmed you in such a way. However, it is down some, remember you guys fought up some stairs. You can either run back down the stairs and get it in two rounds, or jump down and have it next round, but you will need a jump check. And either way, Westly will get an attack of opportunity on you for running away.
Westly: Eh, I pass on the free attack, hard to feel good about myself killing an unarmed drunk.
Inigo: "Unarmed drunk?" I am not sure if I should thank you or tell you to fuck off...fuck off. Anyways, I'll jump down. 15 on my jump check.
DM: Ok, you kinda stumble a little when you land, but you don't take any damage and you stay upright. A 14 and you would have been on your ass witha d6 of damage. You also grab your sword. Westly, same thing, to get to Inigo, you can jump down or take two rounds to run down.
Westly: I have mad ranks in jump so I am jumping. 28 do it? Hehe.
DM: Damn, nice roll. Yeah, you actually flip your sword down and it sticks out of the ground handle up. Then you jump down and grab a horizontal poll, spin on it twice before launcing into a backflip, finally landing right next to your sword pegging the landing. I am talking Olympic proformance here. Oh, and you grab your sword. As you move towards Inigo, he start going up a couple of rocks, so he gets a +2 to hit you.
Inigo: Nice. Ok, attack...and miss, so close.
Westly: Disarm. Oh wow, there is no way you can beat that roll, can you? I got you again!
Inigo: Sigh...no. No, I can't. Guess I am running after my sword again. I knew I should have grabbed a second sword.
DM: Hmm, Inigo, make a reflex save...good. You manage to spot right where the sword is going and leap the distance to where it comes down. You catch it and are ready to go as if it never left your hand.
Inigo: Cool. Finally, I get to do something cool. Oh wait, my cell is ringing. Hey...yeah mom...but it is Saturday...Ok, but...oh, come on another hour...Yes, I know church is in the morning...I was not sleeping, I was, praying...fine, bye. Guys, I gotta go. Can we play on Fridays for now on? I hate getting this call every week.
DM: Yeah, that is cool with me. Guess we will just take you char out for a bit. Um, you two fight and miss a bunch more because you guys suck, he eventually disarms you again because you suck, he does the non-American thing to do and knocks you out instead of killing you because he sucks, and when you wake up you go somewhere else because this story sucks. Now, is the giant done smoking yet?
Damn, that ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be.
